This week I’ve realised that I am NOT OK….
I may look ok to the outside world but I’m not ok.
I may look like I’ve got my shit together, but, I’m not ok.
I may have a wonderful Art business & just launched my new colouring pages, but, I’m not ok.
I’ve got a wonderful fiance and two beautiful children, all of them I love more than myself. Im not ok.
I’ve got a lovely home, living in a great area, opposite from my best friend,but, I’m not ok.
It’s ok to not be ok.
It doesnt mean Im not entirely grateful for all of the great things and people in my life. The people in my life are wonderful, amazing and make me happy to be alive. They are the ones who help me get up each day, they give me strength to push forward when I’m not ok.
I’m still not ok though, OK?
I’m still fighting a long battle in my head. I fight with myself about whether I can do something, should do something, do I even want to do something?
I mean it, I have plenty of reasons to get up in the morning, beautiful, young and vibrant children, but still I find myself struggling.
My mum said to me today ‘Don’t become a recluse’ Well I think it’s a bit late for that. I’m there already, I desperately want to bust free from it. I want to be out in the world and doing all the things I want to be doing!
My knees are like a separate entity to me now, much like what the OCD used to be like. They constantly hurt, ache, stab at my body, they anger my hips and my ankles, I want them to stop it. I want a new pair of knees. I can have a new pair of knees the Doctor said so, but I’ve got to lose a lot of weight first not a stone but so much more…..
Exercise the doctor said…oh I didn’t think of that!?
Seriously Doc you think I don’t know that? I can’t flaming exercise any more, as it, in itself causes me soooo much pain. ‘Go swimming’ you said, well that’s a great idea, but I cannot gett in and out of the pool on those damn ladders and that’s only after I have traversed the walk of shame, humiliation and ridicule of putting my bathing suit on… Taken my glasses off (now I cant see shit) and walked to the pool.
What’s that Doctor?
‘Nobody minds or is going to notice you in your costume’
Oh right yeah cause I’ll just happen to go on the day when absolutely nobody will be judgemental. Anyway, when is it up to somebody else to make a judgement on me? Even the ‘good’ people give you those eyes of ‘Ahh bless you, look at how fat you are & going for a swim’. Not once have I been to a swimming pool & not got called a ‘whale’ ‘a fat fuck’ or ‘urr look at the state of that’!
So no doctor I don’t want to go swimming. Also you forget that after swimming I will need 4 days to keep my legs up and rested, are you going to come and run my house for me?
Look after the kids?
Do school runs?
Walk the dog?
Run my business for me?
No? didnt think so!
I’ve realised I am in the middle of a new battle, it’s like I woke up today and realised I was paralysed on the floor amongst a super war, with a few weapons but not what I really need. I’m lying here waiting for someone to save me.
I need to save myself.
I need to keep fighting.
But I’m exhausted from the depression.
Yep Im depressed.
I didn’t really think I was, I’ve had a depression label for years, but yet I’ve always just seen it as an add on to the OCD,
but I’ve just realised…….
I AM ACTUALLY MONUMENTALLY DEPRESSED.
Ahh the black, gloomy clouds have befallen me. They are up above my head, just like Eeyore.
Ive been trying to ignore them in the hope they will piss off back to where they came from circa 1995. They dont give up, they are relentless.
And so here I am. Depressed.
So what’s next?
I need help. I am not so ill, that I don’t recognise the fact I need assistance.
I will talk to my psychologist.
Maybe I should see a Doctor too.
Yes I need to speak to a Doctor.
It’s Ok that Im not Ok.
I deserve the help of the professionals! I am worthy of being looked after!
I’m off to write more feelings and emotions in my journal.
Sometimes it helps to just get them on paper and out of my head.
Do you write your thoughts down?
Trust me, IT WORKS, I’m an expert! I’ve been doing it for years!
Peace, Love & Wellness,
If you are like me and feeling icky and want it to change, here is a link to one of my favourite websites.ReThink Depression Symptoms. Much Love xoxoxo